Story excerpt: What do you guys think?

Hey guys! I had to write a story for Language Arts class and I loved how it turned out! I might revise it for at least self-publishing but I wanted to give you guys an excerpt and I would love your opinions and (constructive, please) criticism! This excerpt gives a little background about the two main characters, Raven and Ashton. They got lost 500 years in the past (which would be 2014 for them) and they are trying to get home with the help of their new friends, perky Addie and super-cool Sierra. Here you go!


“Okay, what’s the story?” Addie inquired.

“We can tell you, but I doubt you will believe us.” Ashton said.

Sierra groaned. “Just tell us!”

“Okay, okay. So, me and Raven-“

“Raven and I,” Raven corrected.

“-are from the future. We’re from the year 2514. New York is in ruins and there are under 1,000 citizens left in the entire state of New York. We were coming home from a meeting when we stumbled upon-“

He stumbled upon,” Raven interrupted.

Ashton glared at Raven. “-a time capsule. We opened it up and we found 10,000 dollars. I was being totally cool about the whole situation-“

“He was jumping up and down like a little girl,” Raven held back a grin.

“-and we realized that the money was enough to feed the people left in New York.”

Raven continued the story. “And when I read this note that I found in the time capsule, we ended up here.” She handed Addie the note from her pocket.

“That’s insane,” Sierra remarked.

“I think it’s amazing!” Addie marveled.

“That’s why we didn’t tell you that we had money. We had to keep it for the people back home,” Raven explained.

Addie nodded.

“Well, have you guys decided how you’re going to get back home?” Sierra asked.

Raven shook her head. “Not yet, but I’m sure we’ll figure it out.”

Addie nodded. “Well then, you two must stay until you find out how to get home!”

Raven gave Addie a grateful smile.

“Thanks, Addie,” Ashton smiled.

Addie paused. “Wait, you can stay on one condition.”

Ashton and Raven stared at her questioningly.

“No more secrets,” Addie smiled.

Ashton grinned and crossed his heart.


Well, there you go! Some of it might not have made sense but you would have to read the whole story to understand it. If you guys have really good, detailed story prompts for me PLEASE comment down below! Also give away “What if?”s down in the comments for me to use (if it’s okay with you. I won’t use it if you say not to!). EX: What if a donkey kissed a squirrel? That’s not one that I would ever use so go ahead and claim it if you want. I am always happy to get your opinions, ideas, and all that stuff, just one thing…. NO HATE! Cyber-bullying doesn’t make the person you bully look bad, it makes YOU look bad. Love and peace forever! Thanks for reading!

~Katie

“Humorous, shy, fragile like a butterfly.”

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4 thoughts on “Story excerpt: What do you guys think?

  1. Hey! My sister had to do this assignment for Language Arts last year. 🙂
    So I really like your use of dialogue in the story. The cutting in and out between characters was very spot on, because you still allowed for the main dialogue to continue, while also revealing to us more about Raven’s character (who must be a total grammar nut.)
    One thing I want you to keep in mind is punctuation and dialogue tags. Tags are the “said” “inquired,” etc. You did really well varying them, but there was one spot I kind of am iffy about:
    ““He was jumping up and down like a little girl,” Raven held back a grin.
    “he held back a grin” should not be a dialogue tag, because you can’t hold something back via your lips while talking. I see what you’re trying to do, so try this:
    ““He was jumping up and down like a little girl,” Raven corrected smugly, attempting to hold back a grin.
    So I’ve used a dialogue tag, while maintaining the mood you were going for.
    I’ve got a “what if?” for you 😉
    What if you, while constructing this dialogue, added in a few descriptions of the characters listening? Unless you did so before the dialogue, we wouldn’t know just from this excerpt. Breathe more life into Addie and Sierra. as mentioned, you did an excellent job with using dialogue as a characterization tool, but I want more…3D like writing. Maybe try to put a little more of a setting into this dialogue, maybe while they’re talking some noise occurs. Based on this excerpt, readers have no idea where they are (what part of New York city), or what anyone looks like. So if you’re going to use this excerpt, try using little descriptions here and there to make this more dimensional. I hope I made sense! Like I said, love the dialogue here 😀 Very good! If you have any other questions just let me know.
    did you get this graded yet? 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you so much! Thanks for your opinions and your advice! That was very helpful and I did add more description in other parts of the story (I’m a nut when it comes to making characters!). It did get graded (100% Wooo!) and my teacher highly complimented my story which made my day and she told me that I had a real talent and it made me feel so good because I have always wanted to be a writer and your tips will also help me a lot for the future so thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

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